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12 Things Your Partner Should Never Ask You To Do

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TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP A SECRET

“Some people like to keep a relationship private when they’re not sure where it’s going. Still, others want to keep a relationship secret because they are also involved with another person, or not completely over their previous relationship[…] He may be using you, or he may even be worried about being embarrassed. Either way, his secrecy should give you concern. Someone who truly cares about you should be proud to tell other people about you.” –Dawson McAllister, writer

TO TAKE ALL THE BLAME FOR THEIR DISCOMFORT

“We blame our partners when we feel discomfort, and this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. The distance, then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The clue to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain.” –Donna Bellafiore, licensed clinical social worker

TO CHANGE YOURSELF COMPLETELY

“There is one major cause of relationship problems: self-abandonment. We can ‘abandon’ ourselves in many areas: emotional (judging or ignoring our feelings), financial (spending irresponsibly), organizational (being late or messy), physical (eating badly, not exercising), relational (creating conflict in a relationship), or spiritual (depending too much on your partner for love). When you decide to learn to love yourself rather than continue to abandon yourself, you will discover how to create a loving relationship with your partner.” —Margaret Paul, Ph.D., relationship expert and co-creator of Inner Bonding

TO PICK UP UNHEALTHY HABITS

“Undermining your fitness goals, constantly tempting you with cigarettes when you’ve quit, not respecting your decision to only have one drink rather than three—these are all ways that controlling people can try to thwart your attempts to be a healthier (and stronger) person. Since controlling people thrive on weakening their partners, it’s a natural tool for them to use.” –Andrea Bonior, Ph.D.

TO GIVE UP HOBBIES

“‘You are my everything’ is a lousy pop-song lyric and an even worse relationship plan. No one can be ‘everything’ to anyone. Create relationships outside The Relationship, or The Relationship isn’t going to work anymore.” —Matt Lundquist, LCSW, couples therapist

TO AGREE WITH ALL OF THEIR OPINIONS

Whether you’re being asked or “if you’re trying to show your love by saying “yes” to everything, definitely reevaluate things.” –Rhonda Milrad, therapist and founder of the online community Relationup
“Intimacy is built on the ability to feel safe enough to be vulnerable and authentic in your relationship. Your partner should never ask you to just take their sudden angry outbursts because they had a bad day or are stressed. This will ultimately foster a sense of anxiety and resentment in your relationship.” —Imani Aieshah, certified couples relationship coach

TO OVERLOOK ANGRY OUTBURSTS

“Intimacy is built on the ability to feel safe enough to be vulnerable and authentic in your relationship. Your partner should never ask you to just take their sudden angry outbursts because they had a bad day or are stressed. This will ultimately foster a sense of anxiety and resentment in your relationship.” —Imani Aieshah, certified couples relationship coach

TO VOTE FOR THEIR CHOICE

“Politics are innately personal. Your partner should never ask you to publicly agree with or support them in a political stance you are not in agreement with.” —Toni Coleman, Ph.D., psychotherapist, relationship coach, and divorce mediator

TO MINIMIZE YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS

“Jealousy is common in romantic relationships, but asking you to dim your light so that your partner can shine brighter by comparison is completely unacceptable. If your partner is insecure about themselves and their position in the world, requesting that you diminish your power and accomplishments will only breed resentment. Becoming a downgraded version of yourself won’t bring you any joy or satisfy your partner’s ego.” —Rhonda Richards-Smith, licensed social worker and relationship expert

TO STOP CRYING

“Your partner should never ask you to not talk about your feelings. Holding things in is simply toxic and talking things through allow you to get to the root of a problem. Talking is never ‘nagging’ if you approach it the right way.” —Michele Kerulis, Ph.D., relationship expert and professor of counseling at Northwestern University

TO TALK ABOUT PAST LOVERS

“Your partner should never ask you to expose your past sexual escapades and lovers. This information is private and should be locked into the vault, never to be taken out — unless you feel you want to talk about it on your own terms. It is the right of every person to keep the details of their sexual past in the past.” —Audrey Hope, relationship expert, host of the Hope for Relationships show and an addiction therapist at Seasons In Malibu rehab facility

TO LIE FOR THEM

“Your partner should never ask you to lie for them. All lies and secrecy are inherently damaging in a relationship. If your partner has something to hide and lie about, the best, most loving thing you can do is let them deal with the consequences of their own actions.” —Shirani M. Pathak, licensed psychotherapist and founder of the Relationship Center of Silicon Valley.

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